There are a few things I like about singer-songwriter Edward Guglielmino – unfortunately, his music is not one of those things.
What I am a fan of are his occasional witticisms and bouts of trolling on the the internet. His list of 50 Ways To Get People to Care About Your Band In Australia is full of tips for aspiring musicians or alternatively, jokes for snide hipsters. Read on and pass judgment.
1. Pick your favorite overseas act and copy them exactly, give yourself a similar name, about put in your bio “Australia’s answer to”
2. Tell people you are all under 18.
3. Use “tokyo, russia, euro,” in your band name, make sure on paper your band name means nothing.
4. Sign to the first label that shows interest, hand over any chance you have of making any money to the company for a minimum of 25 years.
5. Use “Fresh, cool, straight out of, bluesy, roots” in your band bio.
6. Be an Aussie Hip Hop group.
7. Openly endorse a soft drink.
8. After two years tell everyone you’re quitting for good, only to reveal a new project which is identical, only with a very slightly different name.
9. Hire a young manager who will sign anything put in front of him or her.
10. Talk purely about music you really like, how awesome everything is, and never ever criticize anything openly.
11. After gigs in the backstage area openly bitch about every other act in Australia.
12. Find someone famous and start sleeping with them, pretend it is a secret to the public but tell every single person you can in private.
13. Listen to commercial radio for 48 straight and then write a song immediately.
14. Use awesome and wicked to describe everything.
15. Accept your aria and make a joke about how you are still the underdog and still have have no money in your bank account.
16. Have no cultural awareness, have no idea of music history.
17. Live in a share house with more than 10 other people in Northcote.
18. Live in your parents multi-million dollar house and have them bankroll you for 20 years.
19. Live in a share house in Newtown with 40 people, and 10 junkies.
20. Live in the Gap in Brisbane, be seen shopping at Gap Coles, tell people how much you hate fortitude valley, play acoustic guitar.
21. Make lists that people will pretend to like, but secretly they are infuriated.
22. Go to 1971 and copy.
23. Go to 1983 and copy.
24. Go to 1992 and copy.
25. Sound like “Television” (the band see rule 16).
26. Write negative things on forums about your band “Tokyo Russian Underground” Australia’s answer to Fleet Foxes.
27. Turn up to gigs after the band has finished and bitch about the bands performance.
28. Grow dreadlocks, play roots.
29. Be easy to pigeonhole, complain about being pigeonholed.
30. Use pigeonhole in every interview to describe your band, for example “I don’t want to be pigeonholed as Australia’s answer to Animal Collective but…”
31. Be ugly and write joke songs.
32. Continually act surprised that your are successful.
33. Move overseas, and play a couple of gigs, come back and claim that your famous in London, New York, Berlin ect. (note won’t work for 3rd world countries)
34. Go OP shopping before every photo shoot.
35. When being interviewed make ironic jokes that acknowledge that your currently famous.
36. If you are a woman, play up the girl next door thing until you are 45.
37. Talk about your fans as if you know them, if one approaches you in front of a camera act like you know him or her.
38. If a fan approaches you in Australia off camera, tell it to fuck off.
39. If a fan approaches you outside of Australia try not to act surprised.
40. Be from Melbourne.
41. Be from Brisbane
42. Be from Melbourne or Brisbane but play gigs in Sydney every other weekend.
43. Sleep with someone on the radio.
44. Put “despite only being around for 6 months” in your bio, even if you have been around for 10 years.
45. Never change a single thing about your band accept the the name.
46. Call any tour, the final tour ever.
47. After you turn 30 write a book.
48. After you turn 40 write another book.
49. After you turn 50 enter politics.
50. If a fan approaches you overseas, and they aren’t Australian, discount all rules above.